Something Strange for a Piece of Change
by Kinbarii Nishikawa
Summary: Originally titled 'what is this I don't even'. My first fanfic in about six or seven YEARS. Wait until you see what they have to go hunt! Rated "T" for now for gratuitous potty-mouth, violence, and some other things OMG.


**A/N**: Oh. My. GOD. I haven't written a fanfic of ANY SORT since I was in _HIGH SCHOOL_! Now I'm 22 years old and just barely getting by in college. Oh, how time flies.

Honestly, I haven't been doing too well lately, but leave it to my twin nephews to cheer me up with ideas for _Final Fantasy XII _CRACK!FIC! Those two are more mature than you think (they're 12). Since the second semester began I've been playing a lot of FFXII and watching a LOT of _In Living Color_ reruns (I was but a toddler when that show originally premiered, so I really didn't remember it until I started watching the reruns on BET) with them, and we just started thinking…things kinda got out of hand…next thing I know I'm writing a damn fanfic for the first time in about six years.

A couple notes before we get into this madness:  
1) My nephews and I are extremely ghetto. It runs in the family. Try not to slip in all the Ebonics.  
2) The events in this chapter were inspired by that one mark in FFXII (Orthros, that ol' big-ass Jelly) that will not emerge unless the active party is nothing but wimmenz.  
3) I highly suggest you go watch some _In Living Color_ clips on YouTube if you're not too familiar with the show. And that's all I'm gonna say.

And now, without further dudes, let's do this!

OH YEAH. I don't own _Final Fantasy_. That happy honor belongs to Square Enix. I also do not own Wanda. You can thank Jamie Foxx and them Wayans brothers for that

* * *

_The events in this story take place after the Dreadnaught Leviathan goes BOOM in GOODNESS GRACIOUS GREAT BALLS OF FIRE, and before the party hits Mt. Bur-Ormisace. They really could use some new weapons and armor, but alas, they are flat broke. The only solution is to go hunting for monies! Easy, right?_

_Wait 'till y'all see what they have to bring down today!_

_

* * *

Scene: the party walking through Golmore Jungle, looking quite weary after just barely taking down a group of Panthers. Their weak-ass weapons just ain't cutting it anymore, but they can't upgrade because SOMEONE spent all their gil on unnecessary crap. Instead, they had to accept a hunt for some quick money, but they have NO IDEA what they're about to get themselves into._

BALTHIER: GOD damn it, Vaan, why'd you have to go and spend all our gil on those obviously illegally obtained goods?

_Vaan is wearing some gaudy, tacky-ass bling, including a gigantic chain which reads __**FAKE ASS CHAIN**__,__ and carrying a stack of bootlegged DVDs and a bagpipe (if you've seen __**Corazon de Melon**__ you'll get the bagpipe reference immediately)._

VAAN: GURRRRRL, don't be hatin'.

_The party arrives in the Parting Glade, outside the Dell of the Dreamer. So this is the part in the story where they get ready to take on the Elder Wyrm, right?_

_Not here, boo-boo. The entrance to the Dell of the Dreamer is currently protected by a glowy blue barrier. Standing near the barrier is Sheneequa, the petitioner, in all her ghetto glory, sucking on a Blow Pop._

SHENEEQUA: Oh, my sweet Bejeebus. Thank the LAWD. We need your help. There's been this creature kidnapping all these mens everywhere and we chased it down here. Unfortunately, nobody really wanna go near it. And those who tried…ooh, it wasn't pretty.

_A bunch of soldiers are lying on the ground. Some are severely injured with noticeable gashes and broken limbs, while others are extremely shaken and vomiting all over the place._

PENELO: Wow.

ASHE: It's really _that_ scary?

SHENEEQUA: OOOH, GIRL, THAT THING IS OOGLY! It looks like someone hit it with the ugly tree! And it tried to take MY MAN but I beat the hell out of it and it ran off! *calms down* Anyway, it's past this barrier –

_Sheneequa points to the glowing blue barrier._

SHENEEQUA: -- but, ah…that thing is picky, man. Let me explain. Watch what happens when you try to go through the barrier.

_The party attempts to walk through the barrier. The women are unable to pass, but the men go right through._

BASCH: Wait…what is this madness?

FRAN: It appears this creature does not take kindly to the presence of females.

SHENEEQUA: Mmmm-hmmmm. Basically, you can't go through if you ain't got a pee-pee.

VAAN / BALTHIER / BASCH: …WAT.

_They try to go back through to the other side, but the barrier is keeping them from getting out._

VAAN / BALTHIER / BASCH: ……………………aw shit.

SHENEEQUA: Sorry, but you gon' have to try and fight it. You's our only hope.

LARSA: …wait, I'm a male, and it didn't let _me_ through.

SHENEEQUA: *stares at Larsa for a good minute* Oh, wow, _really_?

LARSA: *agitated* How many times do I have to explain this to everyone?

SHENEEQUA: Oh, well, you lookin' kinda fruity and stuff…I guess it thinks you're a girl or something.

LARSA: … *huffs and goes into a corner to sulk*

SHENEEQUA: Well, anyway, you seem to be our only hope right now. Whatever you do, _**do not let it pin you down**_**.**

VAAN / BALTHIER / BASCH: …… *continue on into the Dell of the Dreamer*

SHENEEQUA: While they go and fight that _beast_… *pulls out some Popeyes in a big bucket* Y'all want a chicken leg?

_The ladies just stare at her. Larsa continues to sulk._

SHENEEQUA: Fine, your loss. *covers a chicken leg in hot sauce and chows down*

_IN THE DELL OF THE DREAMER…_

VAAN: I _reeeeeeally _don't like this.

BALTHIER: Oh, shut up. This is your fault, anyway, buying all that gaudy trash.

VAAN: But it was SHINY! I LIKE SHINY! *begins dancing stupidly* _Me likey shiny! Me likey_--

_Vaan is pistol-whipped with the butt of Balthier's gun. Meanwhile, a rustling noise is heard. The men look around, trying to find out where that noise came from._

EXTREMELY GRATING VOICE: _HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY._

_The air goes cold_.

BASCH: Oh no.

BALTHIER: It can't be…

VAAN: *looking like he's gonna piss his pants* I thought it was just an urban legend told to scare small children out of premarital sex!

_Wanda Wayne emerges from behind a rock. A 90s studio audience can be heard whooping and cheering._

VAAN / BALTHIER / BASCH: _**AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!**_

_Chaos ensues. On reflex, Balthier begins shooting at Wanda, but he is so violently shaken up, the bullets are hitting everything but Wanda. Wanda just stands there, applying copious amounts of Vaseline to her lips. Meanwhile, Basch and Vaan are trying to hide behind each other._

VAAN: I WANT MY MOMMY!

BASCH: IT'S EVEN MORE HIDEOUS IN PERSON!

WANDA: What you mean, "hideous"? I'm the catch of the day!

BALTHIER: Yes, the last time I saw a mouth like that _IT HAD A HOOK IN IT!_

_Balthier attempts to shoot Wanda again, but the ammo comes to a dead stop as it nears the target._

AMMUNITION: AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! *disintegrates into sparkly dust*

BALTHIER: GODDAMN ONION SHOTS!!!!!

_Outside of the Dell of the Dreamer, the women can see EVERYTHING through the barrier._

FRAN: No wonder the bill had its eyes and mouth scratched out.

ASHE: She didn't just get hit with the ugly tree…she ran through the whole forest!

PENELO: The last time I saw something that looked like her, I pinned a tail on it.

SHENEEQUA: *now eating some watermelon* I _told_ you that thing was ugly!

_Larsa is still butthurt because Sheneequa called him "fruity". _

LARSA: *grumble grumble* I'm _not_ fruity.

SHENEEQUA: Boy, shut up. You fruitier than a picnic basket.

_Meanwhile, back inside the Dell, Wanda has begun chasing everyone around. Sadly, that's a small space, so they aren't really getting very far away from her._

BALTHIER: *stops running* Well, this is it. Good-bye, cruel world.

_Balthier puts his gun to his head and pulls the trigger. However, the moment his body hits the ground, everything rewinds, bringing him back to life._

BALTHIER: Wait, WHAT? Why am I not dead?

_Balthier attempts to off himself several more times. However, everything just gets rewound every time_.

BALTHIER: Goddamnit, who's responsible for this?!

_Cut to the author sitting in front of a TV with a remote. Her thumb is on the REWND button._

BALTHIER: _KIMBERLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

KIMBERLY: *in a distorted, demonic voice* _THERE IS NO ESCAPE. I'MMA JUST KEEP REWINDING IT. BWAHAHAHAHAHA!_

_Balthier narrowly escapes Wanda, who gives up on him and starts chasing Vaan and Basch. Basch trips on a branch and falls flat on his face, giving Wanda the opportunity to pounce on him. Basch attempts to wriggle free, but to no avail. Goddamn, Wanda is STRONG…in more ways than one._

BASCH: AAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHH! HELP ME!

VAAN: *climbs on top of a rock* You're on your own, dude!

_Wanda begins slobbering all over Basch, trying to lick him and kiss him and stuff like that. Vaan and Balthier immediately begin vomiting._

WANDA: Why you fightin'? I'm Miss Kitty Litter!

BASCH: *cringing* Oh GODS, it smells like you've been EATING kitty litter! Your breath REEKS!

_Wanda seizes the chance and covers Basch's lips with her own. Basch has managed to get one hand free and is trying to hit her in the head with his fist but she doesn't even feel it. More vomiting from Vaan and Balthier. Meanwhile, outside, the ladies are clinging to each other and crying like they just watched something get blown up._

SHENEEQUA: Horrible. Just _horrible_. *shovels popcorn in her mouth*

WANDA: *singing* _I wanna sex you up!_

BASCH: And I wanna _put you down_!

_Basch manages to get that out before Wanda dives back onto his mouth. Vaan and Balthier can't vomit anymore and are just retching horribly at this point._

VAAN: IS THERE NO HOPE FOR US?!?!

_In comes Indiana Jones, who swiftly lassoes Wanda and manages to HOG-TIE her with some INCREDIBLY STRONG ROPE. The glowy barrier disappears and a bunch of soldiers run in, followed by the women, and in the rear, a still-sulky Larsa, who is still grumbling._

WANDA: *being restrained by the soldiers* Why you have to fight? I could've rocked your world!

ASHE: Oh, you rocked his world, all right. In fact, I think he's going to need therapy for the rest of his life!

_Basch is lying on the ground in the fetal position, crying_.

BASCH: Mommy…

* * *

And that's the end of the first chapter. Now if there are parts that seem like they were just dreamed up by a couple of pre-teens…actually, most of this WAS dreamed up by a couple of pre-teens. I just typed it out (and added some ideas of my own). Like everyone else, the twins thought Larsa was a girl at first. And there are no characters we dislike or anything. It's just that after watching enough Wanda sketches we decided we had to be extra-cruel to the men.

So if you guys end up lieking this, and if I don't end up preoccupied with everything else on the Internet and in real life, we'll be back to ruin these guys' lives some more!


End file.
